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This article contains sexual references, including but not limited to: interspecies sex, t axidermilogical sex, extraterrestrial sex and post-coital human sacrifice. There has always been sex in video games. As soon as developers were able to put animated pixels on a screen, they were trying to make those pixels do rude things. From the very start, realism was important. Later, we were treated to Sam Fox Strip Poker on the Commodore 64 and Night Trap on the Sega Mega Drive, a sort of fuzzy interactive B-movie that was deemed so shocking that it became the subject of a congressional hearing.
Since then, a library of games that portray sex and sexuality with something approaching good taste has emerged. But how many can we call erotically charged? To find out, the Guardian games writers Kate Gray and Holly Nielsen spent a whole day re-playing and discussing video game sex scenes.
In their pyjamas. Here are the transcripts of this ill-advised endeavour. But occasionally it gets close. Unlike real life — am I right? Holly: Right, this is a personal favourite of mine. Kate: The best bit about this is how dorky it is. Holly: The fact your character shaves something rude into her pubes to make Sera laugh and you both end up giggling yourselves off the bed is best video game sex. Holly: Sims has been the sexual frustration stress ball for many a pre-teen. Kate: Or in a hot tub. Or a changing room. You created these people, and you have manipulated them into a sexy situation.
And then you watch them roll around under a thin sheet, and blush furiously, imagining that one of the lumps of polygons is you. Kate: Imagine if that happened in reality.
As you lie in your own juices. All that was left on screen were two blobby coned naked humans writhing around in ecstasy. Or was it pain? Anyway, I never had sex again. The critically acclaimed fantasy adventure from Lionhead is filled with salacious humour and focuses heavily on romance and relationships. Holly: The sex in Fable is in keeping with the general humour of the game. Kate: I am prepared to believe this is an accurate representation of dating someone from the West Country.
Holly: Fable II is also a game in which there are condoms buried in the ground That your dog digs up And then you use them. Top marks for including prophylactics though. Kate: You can also have group sex and romance people by farting at them until they love you. I adore him. I mean, he could have an ovipositor or something. Holly: Bioware obviously had no idea either.
But the best video game sex and the unknown are what makes this so endearing. Kate: Honestly, I think all video games really struggle with the, uh, physicality of sex — whether the penis is alien or not. Holly: Whatever the fade to black conjures up in our seedy little brains is bound to be a hundred times better than what graphics technology can realistically render on screen.
Especially in Mass Effect 2. Which brings us nicely to …. The third title in the open-world fantasy adventure series follows monster killer Geralt of Rivia as he pulverises mega beasts and flirts with female allies Yennifer of Vengerberg and Triss Merrigold. Also I love Geralt and I want the best for him.
Yennefer is the best. Holly: I agree. Kate: So anyway, in this scene, you and Yen are necking on a chair or something and then she coyly looks to the side … and beckons you over to her life-size stuffed unicorn. Holly: I love the implied history between the two of them. They obviously know each other, know what each other like, best video game sex can get to business despite the awkward positioning on the back of a mythological horse. In this brooding psychological horror game from Quantic Dreams, desperate father Ethan Mars must save his kidnapped son from a deranged murderer — with help from photojournalist Madison Paige.
Holly: I hate this scene so much. There is no room for quick-time events in sex. R2 to circle nipple. Flick control stick upwards to initiate coital pleasure. Like, if you miss a button prompt, Ethan prematurely ejaculates in his pants or Madison does a little fanny fart. Even ignoring the silly button presses the entire setup is stilted. The writing is so awkward and clunky. Kate: It feels so gratuitous. Sure, sometimes people shag at weird times. It happens. Kate: So, when we decided to write this, we did a lot of — ahem — research.
But we also looked up what other people liked in a video game sex scene, and this was one popped up over and over again. Then she stabs you post-ejaculation.
Holly: If your kink is impregnating someone then being stabbed in the chest, then this game definitely ticks all your boxes. Holly: Thank you. Kate: It feels like an interesting piece of trickery by the developers - like a trap. Then a lady comes in, I forget who she is, and you bonk. Holly: Made even longer by loading screens, which is such a mood killer. Also, how is she riding him while still wearing pants?
This seems to happen in quite a few games. Thrusting, grinding and moaning are all fine but heaven forbid we see actual genitalia. Although I suppose accurate wang modelling is not the best use of resources. Kate: I think what was weird about this one was the total lack of communication. And then the roof explodes.
Kate: In The Witcher they actually mix up the positions. Holly: This one is … how do we put it? Ah yes, repulsive. X-Man has nothing to do with the Marvel series, but is instead a wildly offensive game released in on the Atari You play as a horny guy who has to navigate to the centre of a maze without being emasculated by a pair of scissors — or a crab. If you make it, you have unconvincing doggy sex with some pixels. The box art has a woman squidging up her cleavage, which in typical Atari fashion has very little to do with what actually happens on screen.
The woman in the game has nipples that flash on and off and she turns blue-green when she orgasms. Holly: So basically, your reward for completing a rudimentary maze is to watch one set of pixels slowly penetrating another. The best — and very worst — sex scenes in video game history.
Holly Nielsen and Kate Gray testing sexual scenes in video games. Kate Gray and Holly Nielsen. Tue 4 Oct This article contains sexual references, including but not limited to: interspecies sex, t axidermilogical sex, extraterrestrial sex and post-coital human sacrifice There has always been sex in video games.
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